Why Can't I Be Cool?

I’ve been told to lighten up on the blog so here goes.

Why can’t I be cool? Maybe the bigger question is why can’t I have the ability to totally block out reality when I look in the mirror and see myself?

Deep, I know. Let me explain by sharing this experience I recently witnessed.

I was at lunch at a sushi restaurant. While awaiting food a guy comes in with his wife. Somehow I knew they were married but I’m not sure how. But that’s not the point. Maybe they were dating. Whatever. I hope for her they were. The point is the guy somehow got up that morning, looked in the mirror and saw cool. The sad thing is the girl (probably his wife) thought he was cool too. And I can’t figure out how because he really was not.

She actually seemed normal and was dressed normal except that she bought-in to his attempt at cool and that just made me sad. Let me see if I can describe him because I am "positive sure" (as opposed to "negative sure") you’ll get my point.

Think Kevin James but not cool. The guy was a bit large but I’m sure he saw muscle. He wore knee-length shorts, brand spanking new white Adidas and Adidas white socks. I knew this because the socks said “Adidas” right on them, and were perfectly centered on the outside of each sock, both right and left.

So far the package was okay but clearly trending downward on the cool meter. He had on a black tee shirt. Still okay. But on the dome he wore a beret. Backwards.

Why? Who said that was cool? I can see a baseball cap because it keeps the sun off your neck. Theoretically. But a beret on backwards can only be so to make a statement that you are cool or have some fashion sense or something.

Also, who told him he could do it? Surely it’s not a personal decision one can make. Certainly someone has to authorize it, right? But that’s not the thing still.

He was wearing sunglasses even though he was now inside and outside it was overcast and the sun wasn’t out. I know, many that have gone before have made that statement but that’s still not the thing. He eventually noticed he couldn’t see and took them off and here is the deal: he hooked them on his tee shirt ON HIS BACK and not on the front like regular people do.

I know this wasn’t authorized and only a really, really cool person would be allowed to do something this aby-normal. He didn’t have anything else hanging on front so there was room. It had to be a fashion statement that was meant to tell people – cool person in the room, keep your distance, pay homage, keep the immediate area around him clear, give him room to operate and maneuver, and above all, pay attention, more cool stuff to follow. And there was.

He had this mannerism about him that said, "man of the world." He knew what he wanted to order and didn’t need to condescend to look at the menu. But his office was open to answer his wife’s questions about the various foodstuffs. She quiz him on different things and in a very detached manner he’d answer but you could tell his mind was on more important things like, “I wonder if I’d be cool if I turned my Adidas socks so that the Adidas wording was facing inward.” But he could muse these things and multitask by answering her. Worldly things were second nature to him.

She asked him stunners like, “What is tempura?” Oh, and she started every question the same way, “This is a dumb question but …” His answer, given far too loud but apparently he sensed his wisdom shouldn’t be limited to just her but the rest of the folk, “Tempara (yes he said it that way) is deep-fried but not as heavy.” Profound!

Eventually they ordered: him a chicken teriyaki bowl of rice and her a lunch salad with ranch. Did I tell you this was a sushi bar? Next came the coup d'état of all coolness. Let’s call it the too-cool-to-follow-the-normal-sequence-of-events move. He ordered without looking at the menu and answered all of his “sweethearts” cultural food questions but after ordering, as he prattling on about something, he picked up the menu and again multi-tasked by talking and perusing and then, I kid you not, in mid-sentence he all the sudden said, “GIVE ME A DOLLAR” as if the fate of the world hung in the balance and was contingent on this buck.

Clearly he was too cool to keep money and where would he put it anyway, you can't hang it on the back of your shirt. But everyone could sense the immediacy of his need for this buck. She didn’t question but yanked a dollar bill out of her purse and handed it to him. I suspect she had learned over time to not stop the creative flow of coolness when ordered to do so.

He grabbed it and bolted up to the cash register and told the girl staffing it, “Instead of chicken teriyaki I want the ‘cubbie beef.’” He then tossed the dollar bill on the counter and walked back to his seat. As he sat back down after this act of creation he told his girl that he loved the "cubbie beef" but it was an additional dollar. His explanation was accepted without comment and it was clear that his wife accepted these moments of profound and absolute coolness without surprise or even query.

I was nothing short of “bumfuzzled” if I may quote Chandler or Ross or one of the Friends. First off, the person working the cash register hadn’t taken their order so I’m not sure how that order change was orchestrated in this English as a third language environment. But I guess cool people don’t worry about those things.

Next, in this place you paid for the food after you ate. So what was up with the dollar? Too cool to follow the paying sequence I guess.

Lastly, "cubbie beef?" How can you be so far off on pronouncing Kobe Beef and still think your cool. If he’d ever heard it prounounced it surely would have resonated with him that it’s pronounced the same as his favorite basketball player, Kobe Bryant.

And that’s what I’m saying, why can’t I be cool like this guy?

I could never go out dressed like that and do those kinds of things in a public venue. I just couldn’t. I would be far too nervous someone would observe my faking and write it up on a blog.